Happy Christmas Eve Eve. I'm still not "ready for Christmas" but I don't care. I didn't bake as many cookies as I thought I would, I didn't wrap the gifts yet, I didn't make any knitted gifts, and it all will be fine just as it is.

Girlchild's scarf is done, but I changed my mind about the hat - instead of a ribbed cap I'm making a headband from a pattern in a Cottage Creations book, I think it's "More Knitting for Family and Community." It's a very simple design with an attractive I-cord edge. I decided a headband made more sense than a hat, because it's garter stitch like the multi-directional scarf, so it "goes with it" better, it won't flatten Girlchild's hair like a hat, the contrast of the bright headband with her dark wavy hair will look fabulous, and she's still prone to ear infections at 20, so covering her ears is more important than covering the top of her head when the cold wind blows. I have enough Kureyon left over to add a pair of fingerless gloves. Those will be mailed to her after she goes home. This scarf and headband are not "Christmas knitting" - they're not a surprise, either, she picked the type of color scheme she wanted and has tried on the scarf to make sure it's long enough. I didn't make any gifts this year - I didn't need or want the pressure to get things done by a particular date. I try to avoid self-inflicted stress whenever possible, I find enough stress comes my way in the normal course of life that I don't need to create deadlines in my recreational activities.

I've been taking the dog on longer walkies, stretching and doing crunches, and my muscles are muttering in protest about this return to activity. It feels good. I'm not worrying overly about my diet until Girlchild packs up and heads north for New Year's Eve, I'm trying to avoid excessive sugar and fat intake, but not thinking about it too much. Come the New Year, I'm back on the South Beach Diet and, after a couple of weeks of prodding my muscles into activity again, I should be ready to start a serious exercise program. I picked up a magazine the other day - can't remember which one, one of those fitness magazines I don't normally read - and one of the tips it offered for success at a fitness program is to talk about it publicly. So I will be talking about it publicly here, to hold myself accountable and nudge myself forward. My goals are simple - I want to wear size 8 jeans again. I want to wear a tank top without actually looking like a tank. I know from past experience that a low carb diet works best for me (the only weight I've lost in the past year was on the South Beach Diet) and makes me feel eversomuch better, I wonder why I ever let myself drift away from it. I have drifted on and off diets for the better part of two years - ever since I put on a lot of weight when my husband came home from his first hospitalization and I was here with him around the clock, housebound, cooking like Emeril to tempt his appetite and get some weight back on him - I did it, he gained weight, and so did I. But what has been my excuse for the past 5 months? Something stopped me from pulling myself back together, and I honestly don't know what it was. Grief? I dunno, maybe, but I tend to think that's a lazy, catch-all answer to any mental lapses these days - there was never a conscious thought that "I can't lose this weight because then I'll have to face the world again...." Quite the opposite, I was eager to get back out into the world, so why wasn't I ready to lose the weight? Anyway, here I am, back out in the world with a dumpy ass and drab wardrobe, and it is just plain annoying. I think I was not "ready" to lose weight yet - the layer of protective blubber is like a disguise, it makes me look "safe" and middle-aged and basically invisible - a pleasantly drab, dumpy lady. I can't put my finger on what changed this week, but I am no longer content to wear my dumpy middle-aged broad disguise. I am no longer content to be safe and invisible. Time to get the old me back.