Life, Stress, Figuring Out How to Retire.

So, I started writing this a few days ago, ran out of energy, and never got back to it. It started as the usual "I can't stand this job, I just want to retire" whine.

Once again I'm vagueblogging, because my issue is not with the company AT ALL, it's strictly the job. Two years in (as an employee, after 6.5 years as a contractor in other groups) and I still don't feel like a good fit. I love my boss, she's awesome, but I feel like I'm letting people down at least twice a week because I'm just burned out. Many reasons, including (and this surprised me) working remotely. It turns out I'm not the introvert I thought I was; I miss project meetings and interactions with the rest of the team, it energizes and focuses me. I haven't had that in two years and I'm half batshit at this point.

Last week my boss and I had one of the one-on-one meetings managers do with their teams, and I told her this. We've known each other for years, I worked with her when I was a contractor for the company, we are definitely work friends and I've always been open with her, though I do couch it in civilized language and don't say "fuck".  She doesn't swear. I like her anyway.

I told her that my current situation was making me feel like I'm letting everybody down in all directions. I didn't throw anybody else under the bus, but did tell her that my current situation isn't doable. Again, I apologize for vagueblogging, but basically, I'm doing two different roles that have different deadlines, different teams, different work methods, different deliverables, and I'm losing my mind and ready to retire and eat cat food if I must, but SOMETHING HAS TO GIVE HERE.

I've gained about 15 pounds from stress eating. I sleep like shit. I scream "FUCK!" at every incoming email or Teams message (working from home has some benefits). This cannot continue. 

I still remember a couple of years ago shortly after I started this job, when I had Delaney here after school, and she wandered into my home office and looked at the screens. I gaver her a very brief and non-technical explanation of what I do. She listened and said, "This is not good for you." I was floored. I had expected a shrug and, "Can we get McDonald's for lunch?" Not that serious declaration. She was right.

So I met with my boss and we discussed ways to take one of the roles off my back for the next two weeks, so I can meet my deadlines on two big projects, as a temporary fix, to be revisited later. She followed through with a meeting with the team that has the deadlines I can't meet, and made those things disappear to give me some breathing room.

Today: PLOT TWIST! 

I was so immersed in working on one of those deadline projects that I didn't even see her Teams meeting invite, until the window opened on my screen. My first thought was that it was a check-in to see how I was doing on my deadlines and how long I needed before I could get back to my other tasks.

No. That wasn't it. She and the other manager, who has known me for even longer, got together with THEIR manager, and I am being transferred back to the group where I have the most experience and know how to get shit done. Long corporate story, but I was a contractor on that team and had to leave it to do another job in between and then this job before I could go back to that one as an employee. Yes, it is as dumb as it sounds, but there you have it.

Anyway, this is a story of women supporting women: both my current and former (and future) bosses went to their boss, who is also a smart, practical woman, and they figured out how to move me between groups without drama. 

Did all of my stress go away? Nope. Do I now work with people I really enjoy and do work I know how to do? Yup. 

Oh, and the funniest part of this is that my boss asked me on the call whether this will maybe keep me from retiring at the end of the year.  I said, "Maybe?" 

We shall see.