I haven't posted since MONDAY? This may become a pattern.
Work - I was offered the new position, and the boss promptly left town and we haven't talked any further. I am confident that if the position actually exists I will have it, shoot, the president of the company suggested me for it, but you know, I would like closure soon. I would like structure in my life. I'd like to be able to replace my car, confident that I could make the car payment. I'd like to not have to wonder from month to month if I should give up and get out of this.
And "this" is still insane. I have a side job, helping people who are way over their skill set in the jobs they have. I do not receive extra compensation for this. And it often comes down to things that anybody who paid attention or had the skills and brains to do their job could figure out for themselves, but they don't, they bring it to me to figure out for them. And I am tired of this, and we need to train them or replace them, because, damn.
It has turned delightfully cool here, and this makes me want to bake things. I may make pies this weekend. Or cookies. Or both. I also have to come up with a veggie dish for the company party, because the sign-up sheet is heavy on dessert and meat. Vegetables are boring, but turkey, two dressings and four desserts will leave us all too exhausted to drive home.
I ran into my neighbors at Publix last night - the store was putting on the holiday wine tasting and sampling evening, and the wine made standing in line at the deli counter so much more tolerable - and my neighbor of course asked what I was doing for Thanksgiving. Because, you know, I am a Widow, and It's So Sad! I said that I had plans, involving minimal cooking and lots of quality couch time. And she gave me THAT LOOK. That Pained Goddamn Look, like, "Oooh, is this a sensitive subject?"
No, it's not a goddamn sensitive subject! I have done Thanksgiving dinner in every way except on a boat, or an oil rig or a hot air balloon. I have cooked it in apartments with 2 feet of counter space. One year I put together a meal between random power outages. I have done the turkey thing since I was 20, and served as a line cook for my mother and my gram for 10 years before that. That's, uh, 38 turkeys, not counting the years when we had to have it for both Thanksgiving and Christmas, which was way too many years, so maybe 50 birds? I have cooked for crowds, I have cooked for small groups, I have cooked for two. I have cooked it and packed it and hauled it across the fucking state! I have done this! I don't want to do it this year, and I am not sorry, sad or lonely. I'm just tired of it. All Girl really wants is pie and stuffing, and I can do a small turkey breast and have sandwich slices for days. That is more tradition, and more bird, than I need.
I received an email from Cousin C today. Her husband died a year and a half ago, and she's still having down times. She emailed me that she was blue and lonely, even though she had things to do for the holidays and really wasn't "alone."
I think a lot of this is generational and circumstantial - I'm 16 years younger, I had to go back to work after the funeral and get my act together and deal with the world, and there really was no option other than falling apart and moving in with my parents, and that would scare ANYBODY into getting their shit together.
And there is so much truth to the advice to just get up and put one foot in front of the other, deal with it and don't look back. In the end, it's really the only way. And I am grateful for this, and wouldn't have done it any other way. I am happy with my life, not lonely, and have grown to love this time of doing what I please and not being part of a couple or answering to or considering anybody else when I make a decision. I told her my POV - I don't expect to be alone forever, eventually I expect to meet a man worth the bother (and no matter how much you love them, they do require upkeep) and in the meantime I will enjoy this self-indulgent time. She responded quickly, and sounded a bit perkier - she keeps saying she's not looking for another man "at her age," and I'm laughing to myself, because she's in her early 60s, very cute, trim, lively and funny, walks daily, goes to the gym, belongs to clubs, goes to the theater, and in an area crawling with people her age, including nice widowers who will be knocked out by her. She'll find someone. I'm the one who would have to beat the bushes, because in my age bracket, it's mostly married, gay or fucked up. There are nice men, I know there are, but they aren't hanging out at the gym waiting for me. (The ones at the gym are either with their wives and/or girlfriends, or are waiting for each other. Or are watching Fox News on the treadmill -"Danger, Will Robinson!")
Actual knitting content - it's coming. I've been working on a Red Scarf Project scarf that is actually navy blue. I know you're excited already.