It's noon on Thursday and I'm at home drinking beer. As soon as my nerves stop twitching I'm going to take a nice nap. I've been up all night. My father died at 1 in the morning. It has been 24 hours of sheer insanity, featuring talk of ventilators, denial, long distance phone calls, denial, followed by long-distance decisions, denial, paranoid delusions, a level of denial that truly deserves medical study, tears, denial, lies, a concealed advanced directive, (did I mention denial?) and me conjugating the word "fuck" in every possible way many times in front of the nursing staff. And that was just dealing with my mother. My father, per longstanding custom, had checked out and left me to deal with everything. By the time I got there he was gone but for the technicalities, his heart was still beating and he was still drawing breath. It was a long, long night, and just the start of what will be many long, long days of crazy.
Please, don't offer a lot of warm fuzzy sympathy. We didn't have a warm, fuzzy relationship, he was emotionally cold and randomly verbally abusive, and as a parting shot he made no plans at all for his own inevitable demise. He stuck me with my mother who is out of her mind and also with planning his funeral (even though he was critically ill for most of the past decade, he didn't want to think about that nasty stuff). I always thought I was being too harsh, and they couldn't be the way I saw them, they certainly never looked that fucked up to outside observers. Nope, I had called it down to the last detail. My nightmares came true. It did serve a useful purpose, though - my cousin and I have sworn to make sure everything is in order for our kids so that this never happens to them.
When I found that she'd had his living will in her purse the entire time while denying knowledge of its existence, I had enough. I was calm, and polite, and supportive, Meryl Streep ain't got nothing on me, baby. But I left, and came home. Fuck this crazy shit. Until tomorrow, when I have to go arrange the funeral.
Another beer, and a Law and Order rerun, and a nap. Mmmmm.
I know that you didn't have a warm fuzzy relationship with your father, but is it okay if I offer my sympathy anyway - even if it is I am sorry that such a wonderful person like you has to go through such a horrible craze filled situation.
ReplyDeleteReally - you are in my thoughts.
Yeah, what cursingmama said. I didn't have a warm, fuzzy, or even remotely good, relationship with my father, but it was still stressful when he died... and I didn't even have to do what you're doing. Prayers and thoughts for you as you deal with the craziness. Thank God for beer, TV, and dogs, eh?
ReplyDeleteEven with a good relationship it is hard. Hope this doesn't sound too harsh, but here's to one more page closer to finishing this chapter in your life.
ReplyDeleteAnd Amen on the getting stuff in order and not putting your own kids through the same thing.
Well, shit.
ReplyDeleteI think that about sums it up.
My thoughts are with you as you forge through the next few days.
ReplyDeletelove you.
ReplyDeletePlease contact me if you need me. I can even come down. It's what I do. I'll be thinking about you.
ReplyDeleteSue, I thought of you last night, as I sat there knitting and breathing and getting through the insanity. It was so surreal it sounds like I'm making it up when I talk about it - but then, that applies to most of my family stories. After I cool down I'm going to write about it. It's time to stop letting this shame ME. I didn't cause it.
ReplyDeleteam so sorry you're having to go through all this. my thoughts are with you, chica.
ReplyDeleteYour honesty is so refreshing. You're in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry your relationship with your parents is so stressed, and I'm sorry about your father. That said, I understand your feelings right now. My mom and I never got along, and her illness with Alzheimer's was the breaking point for me. When she died I really didn't feel anything except relieved that it was over and she was gone. Now, seven years after her death, I find that I miss her. Even though we screamed and yelled at each other for most of my life, there's something missing that I can only explain as "she was my mother." I'm still angry about so many things, but I miss her.
ReplyDeleteHang in there--take care of yourself. Maggie and I are holding you in our thoughts.
I'm really sorry, Hon. Not so much for your Father's death--to be honest, I think that's something of a relief--but for all of the shit you've had to deal with... and will continue to deal with.
ReplyDeleteTake care of yourself as best you can.
ReplyDeleteMyshelle10 from KR
Thank you for not wanting fluffy sentiments, I'm crap at giving them anyway.
ReplyDeleteI am glad that this new version of hell will be shorter than his bumping along for weeks or months would have been. Maybe now that it's slapping her in the face, you'll be able to manipulate your mom into getting shit taken care of regarding her own demise to avoid a repeat.