Aunt Purl touched me deeply with this entry, and the sheer power of her words. The dream that grabs your hair.... Oh yeah.
I had nightmares for a long time after my husband died. They came in two varieties: in one, I was back in the nursing home, where I sat hour upon hour, waiting for his body to give up its stubborn grip on life. That one was very unpleasant, but predictable. The more difficult one was the one in which he was alive again, and appeared healthy, but I knew, even in the dream, that it was an illusion and I knew what was coming and dreaded living through it all over again. I was mad at him, in the dream, for being alive because I knew what was going to happen and how many times must we go through this?
At first the dreams made me sad, but after a while they just really pissed me off. I'd wake up in the middle of the night and think this shit has to cease, I have to get up and go to work and I cannot wake up at 3 a.m. anymore. And maybe getting pissed off at the broken record playing in my own subconscious turned off the dreams. After a while I'd see the dream coming, even in my sleep, and consciously shut it down. Now that I think about it that doesn't sound like very restful sleep, sleeping with one subconscious eye open for an approaching nightmare, but it worked. They did stop. I haven't had either dream in a long time and until Laurie's post I hadn't really thought about it. I can't say when they stopped, exactly, but they did. Now my dreams are funny or mundane and about work, or so mundane and about work that they are funny, but they aren't disturbing anymore. So I'll disagree with Laurie a bit, when she says that you control the exterior but never the interior - you can reject the bad dream as it happens. Get mad at the dream, don't let it control you. Then close your eyes and think happy thoughts.
Whenever I dream about my late father, who died 18 years ago, it's always wonderful. I'm so happy to see him. But there is always an undercurrent that he's not staying because he's already dead. Like you said, he appears healthy but I know he's only back for a visit. It's a bit spooky, but comforting nonetheless because at least I get to see him.
ReplyDeleteMy mother died 3 years ago, and although I was probably closer to her than my father, I have never had a dream about her. Weird.
I can't imagine losing my husband, especially slowly. You must be very strong.
I, too, have had dreams about my dad for the first few months after he died. After the first few, one finally gave me some peace and I stopped dreaming about him. But that is very different from a husband. Laurie is so heartbreakingly honest at times.
ReplyDeleteFunny. I, too, was really moved by Crazy Aunt Purl's latest post. I'd like to tell her I was, but her comment posting program takes a million years to load on my fly-wheel driven computer and besides, who reads the 40leventith comment. Instead I comment about it on someone else's blog. Strange communication system we have.
ReplyDeleteI've always manipulated my dreams or at least, dreamed them with the third eye open to catch their meanings, so I haven't ever resented the scary ones.
And what's with all those sandles with no heel strap. Either everyone else's toes and legs are different from mine or else all women like to feel hobbled and make that double clacking sound when they walk down the halls. Harumph. I like to make an entrance, but not by sounding like I'm about to fall.
grumble.
At least it's a short week.
Bess, luckily I read Ms. Bossy Little Dog for the comments, too ;)
ReplyDeleteI can't envision going through those dreams on a pepeated, prolonged basis. It would make me insane.
Sounds like your subconcious kicked some subconcious butt though ;)
Laurie - it WAS making me insane, which is why I got mad enough to actively resist them. I was dreading going to sleep until I managed to get the upper hand with my subconscious. :-)
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