Cancer.
Sounds scarily on target again. I am indeed broke (the splurge purchase of the TV was followed, as splurges always are, by various unexpectedly high emergency expenses - you'd think I'd know better by now than to buy something nice for myself). My job is good, but not what I want to do for the rest of my life. I'm tense and snapped at Girl last night, I'm sorry I did that, but damn, I'm just so tired of feeling like I'm responsible for everything and everybody. I want to see her graduate from college and get a good job. And I want to have a little fun. Just a little.
"How tough a financial problem you face depends a great deal on the assumptions you made some time ago about how you would earn and manage your money. Those assumptions are now yielding certain results. It appears you will want to change some part of your master plan now. Tough aspects bring things to a head, but they also yield an enormous amount of energy, so you will have the strength to make your decisions."
Yeah, my master plan needs tweaking. It's time to look long-term. I've started the process of getting my real estate license back - yeah, I'm a moron, I let it lapse in the 90s and now I have to sit through the salesperson licensing class from scratch, even though I've been in and around the industry for decades. I'm tired of being asked to "fix" fuckups by people who are making twice as much as I am. And I want to be able to set my own hours - I'm so sick of sitting in an office all day I could scream. Or cry. I just can't do it anymore.
So the plan for today:
1) Apologize to Girl for being a bitch last night.
2) Plan a tough budget that will let me stockpile 3 months of operating cash as quickly as possible. Plug the leaks in the household expenses - for example, do you know how much I spend on books and magazines? Neither do I. I just know it's a lot. And I can plug that right away, because I have a real estate licensing course to read for the next several weeks, so I can do without trips to Barnes and Noble for a while.
I'm not talking about quitting my job - it's a good job and I do like it - this is long-range planning. I've been operating on putting one foot in front of the other mode for years now - my husband's death really shook my perceptions about "the future," and while it's good to live in the here and now, I have a feeling I'm settling, not doing what I really want. I want to work for myself, I want to set my own hours, I want to use my knowledge of real estate and construction for me, not to sit in an office on salary, making rich people even richer. It's time.
And the daily grind of life right now makes me tired, cranky and inclined to randomly snipe at my daughter when she walks out of the bathroom. Poor girl, she must have felt ambushed, but I'm just worried that she's not focused on her future either, and I suppose I'm projecting my frustrations onto her. It's time for me to quit drifting and get off my ass.
I'm a little stunned, sitting here, at the similarities of our lives right now--maybe it's because I'm a Cancer, too--or, because we're about the same age, or because we have kids about the same age, or because we knit blankets for babies who aren't even a twinkle in someone's eyes.
ReplyDeleteI am in exactly the same place with my job--or career, I guess you'd call it as you. I'm worn out, too. It was my sister who got the brunt of my little outburst--she just happened to be closest at the time.
That horoscope was really something. I'm going to have to print it so I can digest it better. Not as fun as Aunt Purl's, but so much to think about.
I feel better today - I'm making a plan, a timetable to transition to selling real estate. I realized I just hate sitting in an office all day, I've done it too many years and something in my psyche is just flat rebelling against it now. Those monthly horoscopes are amazingly on-target, at least they have been for the last few months.
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