I woke up this morning feeling like the fog is lifting and my brain is functioning a bit better. I don't talk about my day-to-day battles with insomnia and PTSD-nightmares and memory problems and lack of energy and what-have-you, because, well, I don't want to talk about it on a knitting blog. It's enough to say I'm still dealing with 'em, less often as months pass thank God, but I had a bad couple of weeks where the insomnia and weird dreams came roaring back, and it definitely affected my ability to function at work and sucked the energy out of me. (Thank God Boss understands me and puts up with my bouts of dysfunctionality, just as I put up with his.) I've been sleeping better the past few nights - a combination of physical labor, crocheting something mindless and a couple of valerian appear to be doing the trick. I haven't been exercising at all, but now that I've had a couple of decent nights' sleep I feel like moving my ass off the couch again, and that, too, will help.

It's not like I don't know what I've been doing wrong, or what I need to do to "fix" myself - why is it we can know perfectly well what we need to do and still NOT do it, even though it's good for us, even though it would improve our quality of life greatly? Yet, bad habits are so easy and routines are so comfortable, and pretty soon weeks and months pass and the rut gets deeper and deeper and pretty soon you feel like you can't climb out, so you quit trying. I've had a terrible time getting motivated to do anything I need to do to pull myself together, and even though I was really annoyed with myself, I couldn't break the bad habits I was developing - even though I looked in the mirror and felt disgusted with what I saw, I didn't feel like doing anything about it.

But something changed this morning, and I feel more like myself again. Something lifted, something shifted, something moved out of my path and I feel like moving forward again.

I'm going to start with walking again. It's hot out there but so what? It's Florida, of course it's hot out there. Sunblock and shorts and go early or go late, but I have to get moving. I need it.

Most of my role in the kitchen project is done for now. I need to do a bit of cleanup this morning, then it's in the hands of the contractors. From today on, my primary remodeling project is ME. I've tinkered a bit around the edges for the past year, trying to figure out what I want to do next, still adjusting to the strangeness of my new life, but it's time to stop tinkering and take a sledge hammer to the walls.