This is a riff off Bess' entry for yesterday about weight and self-image, so if you're looking for knitting stuff you're SOL today. Try again tomorrow.

Though my problem is the exact opposite in a sense, the core issue of identity is the same. I usually describe my problem with Caroline Rhea's great line - "I have reverse anorexia, I see myself as thinner than I really am." I cannot get used to the 30 pounds I put on in my 40s, and yet I can't quite get myself disciplined enough to get rid of them, either.

Wearing a size 12 now is a big deal for me because I was a chubby child and I was this size as a young teenager (along with braces, glasses, being the Smart Girl, and all the other junior high social-life-killing curses a 14 year old can have). By 16 I was a size 7 and weighed 117 on my wedding day a few years later, and though I gained and lost a ton of weight with each kid I could still lose it again and was still a size 8 in my 30s, (though never 117 again - my body filled out with a lot of muscle in my 20s and 130 looked skinnier than 115 used to) and now I'm...not. In a sense, I feel like I lost my real self when I gained this weight, and I feel like I'm wearing a disguise. This isn't the real me walking around in this dumpy middle-aged body, dammit! This isn't the real me, I used to feel good about how I looked! This isn't the real me, people used to treat me differently (oh, I know how horrible that sounds, and by "people" I do mean men, but dammit, I have to re-enter the dating world). This isn't the real me - the real me can walk into a nice store and pull size 6 and 8 clingy knits and fitted suits off the rack and know they'll fit, and not feel like I'm "spending more money than this body deserves." Plus, dammit, while I know I can still make myself look nice at this size, it's not the SAME nice I am 2 sizes smaller, and I hate shopping now because it's a damn chore to find things that look right on me - meaning, make me look and feel like myself when I look in the mirror. The best I can do is "I look pretty good for the shape I'm in." The shape I'm in is not too good - I have fat deposits where I never had them before, and I can't wear things that used to be staples of my wardrobe, and I live in a hot and body-conscious climate and it's deeply annoying to know that cute little sundresses and tank tops and things make me look like a friggin' potato now. I am in a horrible clothing rut - I have figured out the few things I can wear in my current shape and I stick to them, so I look fine but I'm boring myself and everybody around me with my "uniform."

I don't mean this in a poor self image, I hate myself and my body way - my self image isn't poor, and if I was really unhappy enough with my body I would find the motivation to work on it harder. If anything maybe the problem is my self image is too damn good, the "reverse anorexia" thing - I don't notice my extra poundage until I have to buy clothes, then I'm pissed off at myself, but of course there is no instant way to take off 30 pounds and firm my abs in the dressing room, so I buy whatever fits and forget about it until the next time I need nice clothes and nothing I really like looks good on me anymore and I buy whatever fits and forget about it until the next time....

Anyway, reading Bess' ruminations on the subject made me think about my own "issues" and clarify them a bit. How much does this matter to me? Can I adjust to who I am now, or does it matter enough to me to really get my self-discipline back and do something about it? As I'm writing this, I'm realizing how much it does matter to me, and how this is one of the many issues that was buried in the "I'll think about that tomorrow" pile during my husband's illness, and now I have no excuses left. I either need to get serious about getting in shape, or shut the hell up about it. This IS someday.