THIS.

Ring Theory of talking to people in a really shitty situation. God, I love this so much. Comfort inward, dump your feelings outward. As someone who has been both the dot at the center of the ring and the first ring, I think this is fucking fabulous and should somehow become law.

 Telling a cancer patient's sole caregiver that "I know exactly how you feel! I remember how hard it was on my grandma when my grandpa died!" when your 80+ year old grandpa died in Indiana and you live in Florida, and you're talking to a woman caring for her dying husband while working in your office = 90 days of community service in a hospice.

The clue train is here, get your ass on it.

That's just one egregious example of the bullshit. I could write a book, if I wanted to re-live it, and I don't.

 My daughter did an excellent job as first ring of defense after my brain thang. She held off visitors, knowing that I really didn't need to have people see me in that condition, tubes running in and out, machines beeping, and OMG, no mascara!! I had to go back to work with those people if I could, and I really didn't need to have them carrying that mental image. She has perfect instincts on those issues.

After I got home and got my energy back, I called people, went to lunch, got out and demonstrated my not-deadness.

Anyway, I think this ring concept is fucking amazing and will work for anyone with the sensitivity to think about what they should say. Unfortunately, it will do nothing for those who always see themselves as the center of the drama, like the woman from my then-office who barely knew me and never met my husband, but burst into loud boo-hoos at his funeral. My then-boss, who also had great instincts on this, coldly told her to knock it off. People who co-opt other people's tragedy as their own are hopeless.

Anyway, for those who aren't hopeless, the ring theory is a handy guide.