I've been single for seven years now. It is NOT because as a few people I know seem to think, "I'm still pining for my late husband because he was some 'ideal' man and can't settle for another" - that's utter horseshit.
It's because dammit, I like being single! I had no idea Martha Stewart has used MY line, "I was married for almost 25 years, wasn't that enough?" My running joke is I want a man who lives nearby in his own place, and we'll visit often, as wisely proposed by one of my idols:
"Perhaps men and women should live next door and just visit now and then." - Katherine Hepburn
I wish more men felt that way. Unfortunately, many dates feel like job interviews - so many men are looking to fill a gap in their lives, and I just don't have a strong corresponding desire to be paired up in a permanent way with anybody. Once I figured out that "finding a man," would be easy if that's what I wanted to do, it became an option I could consider objectively, and objectively, being single looked better. I'm willing to concede that another permanent relationship COULD happen - I am open to having someone change my mind - but actively seek it? Why?
I had to fight the urge to block quote the whole damn article because it all rang so true, but the closing made me laugh out loud:
Still, I think something else is at play here besides not wanting to be defined by other people's projections, and it has to do with the right to privacy. For unless a divorced person raises the subject--something I did happily earlier in my life when I did want to meet someone--the state of his or her romantic life is really nobody else's business. For that reason, I've often wondered how a married or otherwise coupled person would react if, after they've quizzed me about my relationship status, I casually asked them, "So what about you? Found the cojones to leave your marriage yet? Having an affair? Getting any?"
But of course, I wouldn't do that, because I respect other people's privacy. I'm a private person myself and it's quite out of character for me to write about this topic at all, but the author articulates so many of my thoughts (and so many people on HuffPo chimed in in agreement) that I felt the urge to raise my voice in solidarity - Preach It, Sister! AMEN!
AMEN is right. I'm 17 happy years into my 2nd marriage. IF something were to happen I would be blissfully happy to never marry again. I just don't see the point.
ReplyDeleteI thought a lot of this out even before Ernst and I married, ahem, forty five years ago. He is 10 years older than I am, and does not have the 'background' of longevity that I have. Example: my paternal g'mother and her 10 siblings. Even though one died at 23 (accident) the average life span was 86. Nana herself achieved 93, and was still hopping on a plane every two years to visit the 'oldies' in New Zealand, until she was 90. My maternal family was not quite so flashy - low to mid 80's. No centuries yet, but consistency.
ReplyDeleteSo it was something I considered. I am in NO hurry towards widowhood, but it would definitely be unfair to any Mr Goodenough, the poor man would always be second best.
And yes, Katherine Hepburn - what a woman.
Gae, in Callala Bay
Well, truth be told to the innernets, I can't say for sure that I'd still be married to my husband if he hadn't died. We were at a "could go either way," stage of our married life when he was diagnosed, but once he got sick, no, I never once thought I could just walk away. So when I have the feeling people think I am still single because "no man could ever replace him," I just roll my eyes privately - it's so much more complicated and less romance novel than that. I have, however, known more than a few women whose husbands walked out on them when they got sick, and that doesn't make me want to rush out and recommit just so I'll "have someone," because that's a crapshoot.
ReplyDeleteGae - marriages in my family are like yours - my parents were married over 45 years, all their siblings were, etc. We sign on for the long haul, for sure. But, having done it once, I'd have to be mighty damn sure of what I was signing on for before doing it again! :-)
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry. Should I pry more? Goodness. I remember you talked about having someone around to go to movies or dinner with, once. And then you started doing more stuff, and I figured you were satisfied.
ReplyDeleteIf you had had some guy to consult, would you be living in Asheville now? And then again, it really is none of my business. I'm more interested in Sophie.
And lots and lots of marriages go through the "could go either way" stage. After 45 years I definitely know that - but there was always something that kept it together through those stages, maybe just a sense that we had built something worthwhile together. Search me !!
ReplyDeleteGae, in Callala Bay
Yep, Gae, and we most likely would have kept it together too - or not, who can say? We never had the chance to know. My point was just that as the author describes, there's a lot of intrusive speculation about why a woman is single, and often based on entirely erroneous suppositions on the part of the "concerned friends."
ReplyDeleteThis is interesting. I'm going through the thinking process right now. And yes. Single.
ReplyDeleteI've been married 10 years and I know that if I would be a one-person party, I would never remarry..ever. I do so enjoy my solitude, my quiet, my everything.
ReplyDeleteVery interesting. I love what Katherine Hepburn said - that's how I feel! My relationship with my OH was near perfect for 10 years... then he lost his job and moved in with us. Then I had the Brain Thang. Needless to say, things have not been all that smooth this year!! If we ever break up then I would definitely relish living on my own :)
ReplyDelete