One of the common traits of the Delicate Flowers I know well is saying, "I can't," when they really mean "I don't want to." That drives me insane, particularly when the Flower does nothing but moan about Woe is She, Life is So Hard and Unfair and She is Unhappy, while the tools and opportunities to change her sad little world are all around her. When this is pointed out, the response is, "Oh, I can't, because...." and the because is followed by a litany of self-imposed rules and restrictions. Oh, I can't get a get out of a bad marriage/go back to work/school/whatever, "because if I do..." and here comes the rationalizations and reasons that make the Flower sound like the most selfless angel ever, a weak, delicate little soul, perhaps sickly (cough, cough) she thinks of nothing but the well-being of others, and how can anyone doubt the sincerity of her plight?
We all have areas of our lives in which we behave like Delicate Flowers, but the True Flower makes "I just can't!" her mantra. I'm dealing with a couple of Flowers right now, my mother is of course their Queen, but it has made me very aware of this behavior in myself, and the areas of my life where I have let myself down. Watching these Flowers wilt and make excuses (or not - some Flowers are very upfront about just not wanting to do anything that might require hard work, and I do have to admire that sort of ballsy laziness) has gotten under my skin, and I am on a mission to stamp out that behavior in myself.
So the Mantra for April is Oh, Just Shut UP and Fucking DO IT. I'll let you know at the end of the month how it went.
Oh man...you are describing exactly what I've been going through with one of my long-time friends. She has made such an effed-up mess of her life, and no matter what advice she is given to help turns things around, the answer is always, "I CAN'T!". I don't think there's any help for 'em until they decide to get off their butts and change things.
ReplyDeleteMy brother and I have a RULE (being descended from a Delicate Flower of the Royal Order, ourselves...) that goes something like this...
ReplyDeleteOne *i Caaaaan't* gets a helpful dose of ways you could indeed help yourself like say PLANS a) b) and c).
The second round (in which the cards are always played so that plans a b AND c are absolutely undoable....) gets a *gosh that's terrible, but I have to run* ball back in your court response.
On round three the lovely contestant gets VOICEMAIL.
Leaving us free to actually Get.Stuff.Done.
(and yes, the plaintive wailing on our answering machines DOES make us feel guilty momentarily.)
Rock on with your mantra for April and beyond!
Yep, that's how I play it too, always have. Tonight's drama was that my mother canceled her dr's appt for tomorrow, no explanation, despite bitching about how tired she feels and blaming her BP meds (because she's only recently on BP meds - at 82!) My response was to change the subject. I am not going to beg her to keep dr. appts or otherwise get myself into the middle of that drama. She went to the store, she is capable of taking care of herself, so whatever.
ReplyDeleteWhat a sad life, though. Such a waste of the pleasure she could be having. ah well. You can't fix that so just shrug and move on.
ReplyDeleteI'm a great one for letting the answering machine do the talking.
My mother (age 80) and I commiserate with each other about the Delicate Flowers. It seems sometimes we are being punished for being responsible, healthy, and prepared to pull up our socks and get things moving. Her nickname at home was "Mary'll Manage" and it seems nothing has changed since. Voicemail is a wonderful thing.
ReplyDeleteGood grief, I work with one of these. (I almost went off on a rant. I'm really sorry. I just have to remind myself that I won't be there much longer.)
ReplyDelete