Sometimes a bit of news out of the blue not only stops you in your tracks, but plunges you into deep thought. As someone who cultivates shallow as a lifestyle, because goddammit the deep shit finds me, I don't have to go looking for it, I am not happy when I am slammed in the face with shocking news that makes me think, whether I want to or not.
The news came yesterday, when I learned that a longtime KR member had suddenly died of a brain aneurysm.
We were not close, we were friendly on KR but our conversations never really went beyond the boards, but she was close to a few people I am close to, and their grief is raw and real. This online world is a crazy place, it can be fake and cold and a lot of people rightly bitch that it is used as a substitute for face to face contact by the dysfunctional. But that is not a universal truth - other people do form the same friendships they'd have if they lived in the same town.
To go off on a tangent for a moment because it's shallow, I think that this is, at this point, why I am more comfortable on KR than Ravelry. I am not sure why, but Ravelry's discussion boards attract a lot of dysfunctional communication, and people who just like to be snarky to "strangers." Maybe that will change in time, but right now, that's the vibe I have gotten, and every time I let myself get into a discussion there I end up regretting it.
Can you tell I'm blathering to avoid discussing the thoughts that are filling my mind right now?
It's a very weird thing to be a brain aneurysm survivor who not only lived, but doesn't have serious neurological deficits. I of course make light of it and joke about how I'm in this exclusive club with Joe Biden and Sharon Stone, but it really is a hell of a rare thing. Most survivors have long-term disabilities to deal with, few of us walk away basically unscathed. I have spent the last year trying very hard to "put it behind me," but of course, it'll never be behind me, I have a dent in my temple and screws under the skin in my forehead that I feel every time I wash my face. I do have damaged vision in my left eye, which has to be monitored for some reason even though it's not really treatable, and right now it's barely noticeable. I have quirky-amusing memory issues out of the blue, but I can remember complex details of work projects, all my bank account numbers and passwords, and thank God my kids' childhoods are intact. I am still me because I have my memories. I'm different but the same, so once I was off all the medications and my hair grew in, I went back to business as usual in my life. I even went back to the office I collapsed in and picked up where I left off. And that was stupid, but I have a mortgage. And I went back to eating right about 60% of the time and exercising not enough and sleeping not enough and drinking more wine than I probably should. I just picked up where I almost left off permanently, in a combination of denial and bravado.
Then the company shut down, and I haven't found another job, and I'm here floating along in this weirdly comfortable bubble - I should be worried about my future, but I'm not. I don't know why I'm not, but I'm just all relaxed about it and figuring it'll all work out for the best. And if I need to sleep I sleep a couple of extra hours, and I walk the dogs, and I am crocheting an afghan I designed on a whim, something I haven't done in around 20 years, and remembering how much I really like to crochet and thinking that maybe this is something I should do more often. And I could float on like this forever, if the money held out. But I have no clue, none, zero, zip, about where I will be living or what I will be doing three months from now. I feel like I'm on the brink of some sort of big change of direction in my life, but it is taking a really long time to reveal itself. And I'm just here, floating along, crocheting and catching up on my movie watching, and walking the dogs and doing home improvement projects, piddling along, waiting for The Clue, the thing that will help me figure out what I'm supposed to be doing next.
Then I get news that someone who had a life in progress did not survive her aneurysm, her husband and friends and loved ones are in shock and are devastated, and I have to think that this is all random and unfair - I was in the right place at the right time, and, as I keep saying, mine happened in a part of my brain I apparently wasn't using. I know people tell me I survived mine for a reason, I've heard that so often, and I guess I do believe it, it's a nice thought, but my stock answer now is that I wish I'd woke up in the intensive care unit with a note from God pinned to my hospital gown, "Your assignment is ______. Now go forth and don't fuck it up."
I've read a number of books that say that we should be quiet and still and let the universe reveal its plan for us, and I am trying to do that now. But patience is not one of my virtues, and this is driving me crazy. But the crocheting is going very well.
Dear Catherine,
ReplyDeleteI've been thinking about you a lot since I heard the news. I didn't know her either, nor do I know you, really -- but here we are, linked because of a community that makes these sorts of relationships happen.
I think that what you wrote today, and what you are pondering, must have something to do with whatever your "assignment" is. Now go forth and keep doing it, because I'm one person who wants to hear it.
And I agree with you about the forums at Ravelry. I don't have time for all that dysfunction.
Catherine, you survived to love your children and Murphy, right here and right now, and just BE. To LOVE and to BE here. There's the whole of it. Rejoice in it, and please don't think so hard about why it didn't happen for T. It just didn't. Now, two close non cyber friends and one close cyber friends of mine have died that way. I have, even before this happened, always REJOICED and been thankful that you did not and you are HERE.
ReplyDeleteRavelry is too big and strange. I don't like the forums at Rav for that reason, either.
Lordy - what forums are you on over at Ravelry? I haven't run into anything more than the usual mix of folk. And the only stalker who ever tried to terrorize me on-line came from KR - and this is not any condemnation of KR either - just what happened. Just what has made me choose my arenas much more carefully.
ReplyDeleteOtoh, my mind also ran to you when I heard the news yesterday, wanting to send you a thank filled hug, so grateful that you are a survivor. My life would be so much less without you in it.
oh you made me laugh with - "I guess I do believe it, it's a nice thought, but my stock answer now is that I wish I'd woke up in the intensive care unit with a note from God pinned to my hospital gown, "Your assignment is ______. Now go forth and don't fuck it up."
ReplyDeleteI don't know if it was part of your assignment or not but you sure didn't fuck it up - because what you allowed me to share with B was such a comfort to him and to me - and to everyone else who read your posts.
I immediately thought of you when I heard about T - my thought was Thank God that you were in the right place at the time and that everything around you fell into place so you could still be here with us - we are all blessed by your presence you know.
Bess, you are fortunate if you haven't run into the "issues" with the Ravelry groups in your groups. I do tend to find my way to the more outspoken groups, but I swear, these people have shut me up. I won't link to examples of course, but my impression is that there's an unusually high number of people who feel that any difference of opinion is a personal attack and they are justified in being flat out rude and ugly in response, and the range of topics that eventually degenerated into open hostility is ridiculous. I think it's a small percentage of users who have way too much time on their hands, but somehow KR rarely has this issue.
ReplyDeleteI wonder sometimes about the theory that everything happens for a reason. It's comforting to think so if we assume all happens for good (and the childish pop Christian reasoning reads that to mean "for your own personal good and comfort"), but I suspect that in the karmic balance of things we might not like the reason so much. I think that in general we are where we are meant to be at any given time, but the "practical joke" department of the universe is at least as active as the "guardian angel" department.
ReplyDeleteI have found that the forums on Ravelry do tend to blow up into a you-hurt-my-feelings-you-meanie way at the slightest provocation. It may be a function of the relative youth of many users. On the other hand, I do notice that anything with a title that sounds like a fight gets A LOT of action. Not my cuppa tea. Love to check out the projects, though. Especially useful if you have pretty yarn but no plan for it.