So, to follow up on the bit about the doctor finally raising the issue of hospice. My parents don't have any support system where they live. They have lived there about 12 years and have studiously avoided getting involved or making friends. I am their support system and I am 2 hours away on a shitty and at times dangerous road. That's why I groaned when he was transported to the hospital yesterday, in the middle of a damn tropical storm. It was like the darkly comic icing on the story - the story I saw coming for ten long years, and which I tried with every ounce of persuasion I could muster to avert.
Oh no. They couldn't move closer. Not because they have friends there, because they don't. Not because they have community support, because they don't. Don't ask me why they didn't want to move, other than I'd raised the issue of What If and they didn't want to face it.
What If is here, and the scenario I'd dreaded for 10 years - longer, since childhood - is playing out as if I'd scripted my nightmare.
My mother called me at work today to tell me nothing much - my father is in the hospital, he's comfortable, the doctors are noodling around giving him antibiotics and such.
Then she gets to the meat: The girl from hospice called her this morning to discuss starting hospice care.
My mother made lame excuses, told her she'd have to talk to the doctor first and blew her off. Didn't agree to it.
Okay, I can understand that this is hard, I've been there. With a 47 year old spouse who was never sick a day in his life until the world fell in, so yeah, I know how hard it can be to say the H Word out loud. But I got past that and my husband wasn't 80 and on oxygen and a feeding tube.
So I talked to her, gently, about how they can do things like deliver prescriptions, and that you aren't forced to take more help than you need, but they would make it so much easier because the help is there if you need it. And I thought I had her on board. And then....the soft, whiny, sniffly voice:
"So, when can you come over?"
This is EXACTLY what I saw coming, and what I tried so hard to avert. She's not going to take "outside" help from "strangers," because this is my job. It will be all needy and sad unless I sacrifice the life I'm working so hard to rebuild to do this. If I don't do it, I'm a Bad Daughter. Well, so be it. Let's count the number of times they babysat their grandkids - oh, that would be zero. Let's count the number of birthday parties attended - few. They have TWO grandkids. I'm an only child. They were never involved in our lives, we were always, always supposed to make pilgrimages to them. I just can't do it now. I have a job and I need to keep it, and I've already juggled my job and my survival while caregiving for my own dying husband. I am not going to do this. I can't. I can't on every level - professionally, personally, psychologically, economically, I just can't do this.
So, though I was planning to go visit this weekend, I am not going to do so until she agrees to hospice services. Yep, I'm blackmailing an old lady. I hate that this is how it is, but it is. I can't get sucked in. I have to shove her to at least accept outside help. If I don't do it now it's going to be so much worse later.
This was what I was talking about when I mentioned "manipulation". No matter how you slice it, that's what it is.
ReplyDeleteIt is, but I'm still legally responsible. I won't get emotionally manipulated, but I'm still the grownup on deck. I have to be a cold bitch. Fortunately, I'm good at this. It is very hard to do, but I'm good at it.
ReplyDeleteAh. As long as you know the difference. Yes, you're legally responsible... just don't let it suck you in. Do what you must and keep reminding yourself that help was readily available and your mother turned it down.
ReplyDeleteI know you'll stick to your guns, but know that you have support from blogville.
ReplyDeleteMy grandmother lived an hours drive away, and for the last ten years of her life her daughters rotated turns spending weekends with her, becuase it was too inconvenient to just drop in on her.
Now my mother is talking about moving over where Nana was. First thing I said to her was "Sorry, but I won't be spending my weekends travelling over to take care of you - stay here!"
You're not a bad daughter-- just a realistic one. Leaving everything to go help now would just leave you in need of help (from whom, exactly?) when it was all done. Put your own oxygen mask on first....
ReplyDeleteMyshelle10from KR
Rearranging your life now won't change thier lives one iota, it will only change YOURS! It won't make your father healthy, it wont make them both young again, it will only make you crazy! Stick to you guns, a little tough love will serve you all better in the long run!
ReplyDeleteI think you need a nice cone of linen hunny :)
"Parenting our Parents" is a tough job. I see nothing wrong with a little balckmail. Hospice is wonderful and hopefully once your Mother gives it a try she will like it.
ReplyDeleteI remember, back in my youth, promising to do ANYTHING for someone. Then I grew up and realized there are certain things you cannot do. You cannot risk your employment, because you have to take care of yourself. And you cannot risk your sanity. You took care of your husband. She now has to take care of hers, and that may mean doing things she doesn't want to, but nobody wants to.
ReplyDeleteYou can also offer her the option that you will be able to help, if she moves closer, with your dad, or she will have to do most of it herself with help from outside sources if she chooses not to move. I know it would have been better done sooner, but there are people you can hire to pack you and move you and it can be done.
I am sorry you are in the position you are. I can't imagine how hard it must be. But you have an obligation to yourself first. Simply because you are alone and need to make a living and you cannot do both at the same time.
Take care of yourself. We will be thinking of you.
Catherine, I'm sorry that your mother is doing this to you, and I'm very happy to see that you're not allowing her to. I had rafts of "advice" to offer at my fingertips, but, you don't need it. You're capable of handling this, and you know far better what you need to do about your mom than I ever would. I don't think that you particularly need my atta girls or other support, but you have them any way. I'd heartily recommend a little stash inhancement, particularly of the linen variety. I do hope that you don't take this the wrong way, but I am SO glad that period of my life is overwith. Stick to your decisions and you'll be okay.
ReplyDeleteExcept - you aren't a bad daughter. It is our job to remember that they may wallow in whatever pit they choose because they have free will and constitutionally guaranteed freedoms. It is their job to love us enough to not play sick games. So be it. I will let my dear parents die at Tara on the floor where they fell if that is what they insist upon doing. I will move them. I will arrange complex unpleasant things to be done by others. I will love them enough to let them suffer if that is what they insist upon.
ReplyDeleteTook a long time to be able to shuck any worries that I was Not Doing My Duty. Their neighbors shaking their heads and tsking and saying “time for them to move. That house will never sell in that condition. yadayada” Nope. Not my responsibility. I only have the duty to move in after I know I can win that competency suit, not before. Persuaison is not my responsibility. at least, succeeding at persuasion isn't.
They don’t want your help anyway. They want you to make them young again. You can’t do that - no one can - so you have no obligation to listen to the guilt finger. I’m glad you’re staying home this weekend. Keep the window to joy open, hon, and spew here when you need to. We all are waiting for our own cues to come onto this particular stage.
What they all said.
ReplyDeleteWe're behind you.
Please change that title. You are not a bad daughter, just a sensible one. I agree with all of the above comments.
ReplyDeleteYou aren't a bad daughter - and I applaud you for putting your foot down and standing your ground. Demanding that they accept hospice is the right thing for everyone; whether you're 2 minutes away or 2 hours away.
ReplyDeleteHope that you have a relaxing weekend - you've earned it.
Ditto Crabbylou.
ReplyDeleteAnd don't feel guilty. You are NOT a bad daughter.
(((hugs))) take a weekend off from the stress, ok? you deserve it.
After watching my friend cope with her father-in-law dying, I can see that the Only way to get through these things with any amount of sanity left is to accept Hopice care at some point. It would have been kinder and gentler to him if they had allowed it and it would have been much much kinder to the family. But they went the hard way...what can you do?
ReplyDeleteYou are doing exactly what you need to do. And you're holding up better than I would.
- Auntie M