My house is a sty.

I spent yesterday driving across the state and back to visit my elderly parents. I tried for 10 years to get them to move closer to me without success, knowing that my father's bad heart would become a crisis one day and my mother would be on her own 2 hours away. That day is here and they are 2 hours away and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it.

So I went over to see how he was doing - very poorly. They both are. She's exhausted and looks like hell herself, he's barely able to get up and around, he's lost so much weight he's somewhere below 130 lbs. I spent a few hours there and left pissed off - where is hospice? Why hasn't his primary physician suggested hospice services? Why is my mother going nuts doing 24/7 caregiving duty, and why isn't a nurse coming in checking on him? I cannot take off work and drive across the state during the week to sit with him at doctor's appointments to ask what the hell is going on. So this week I'll see if I can get the primary to speak to me on the phone (if I can get past those HIPAA regulations) and ask him why hospice isn't involved yet.

I am so frustrated because this is exactly how I knew this would go down, and I tried, I really tried, for years while he was still fairly "healthy" to get them to move closer to me. I really don't have it in me to play primary caregiver again, I just can't do it - not only do I need my job (duh) but I gave all I had already. I know I could not go through that again. But I would like to be able to at least monitor what's going on, yell at doctors as needed, get services for them, whatever I can do to help while preserving my own health and sanity. They really need to be in an independent living senior apartment somewhere near me, where there is someone to call in an emergency, but now he's so frail we can't move him. And he won't leave "his doctors" - the same doctors he complains about because they are too hard to reach, don't answer questions, and are generally useless in an emergency, and of course emergencies always happen on weekends. I spent years pointing out that we have one of the top cardiac centers in the country here and it fell on deaf ears. So now it's going down, just as I knew, absolutely knew, it would, and it is as hard and frustrating as I knew it would be. I had my 80 year old mother clinging to me as I left, asking when I can come over again, and I know I'll be driving back and forth across the state a lot more often in the future. And it makes me want to cry with sadness and frustration, and not a little bit of anger, because this insane situation was preventable, and they didn't prevent it. I'm tired and angry and so fucking sick of being the responsible adult on deck for everybody. When do I get to flit around in Happy Denial and make people take care of ME?

I came home to my messy house, pile of laundry, cat hair tumbleweeds, and empty fridge. I'll take care of all of that today, then get up tomorrow and go to work, to a job I enjoy but that takes a lot out of me stress-wise as well. Last night I was so tired, physically and mentally, I went to bed at 7 p.m. and slept until 5 this morning. I never do that. Ever. I woke up tired. After I finish my tea I need to clean up this dump and make a grocery list.

Fuck. Just fuck.