Lifted from Marfa, but with editorial content by moi.

1) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, liposuction and air conditioning.

Now, let's be fair here, have you really looked at Real Americans(TM) lately? Liposuction? Puh-leeze! God knows they've embraced polyester, and had to embrace air conditioning because the rashes caused by sweating in polyester were a bitch, but those minor compromises do not alter their position on the Unnatural. The Christian programs they watch on the satellite dish say so.

2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

3) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

And it was more than I wanted to know about Sean Hannity's fantasy life. Or was it O'Reilly and ducks? Bad enough that loofas are now tainted as Republican sex toys, I must insist they quit telling us about animals.

4) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

Well, if you believe in keeping women at home, birthin' babies and unemployed, divorce may as well be illegal - being divorced is a fate worse than death for a lot of women, and might as well be illegal to them it's so far out of reach. They did what they were told by the codes they were raised under and they're miserable, so they really don't want anybody telling them there was another way. Man as the Head of the Household is the Biblical Way! This is why the Good Lord Created Anti-Depressants and Women's Bible Study!

5) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Brittany Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.

OTOH, we women over 40 are getting a rush off the straight marriage of Demi and Ashton - a Child Groom of our own is still a possibility!

6) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.

Missing the point - infertile Good Christians go to fertility clinics just like other people (with that kind of disposable income) and go through fertility treatments and leave unused embryos in drydock in a clinic when they do it - and everybody says "Oh, you were so blessed!" when they finally have children. But when they do it, it's lovely. Can't let a gay couple have one of those excess embryos, though - that would be Wrong. We'll just accept the children who were born as a blessing, and pretend that there was no medical intervention that created "extras." Just accept this, it's how it is.

7) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

Yeah, I'm still remembering the many Christian families I grew up with - 3-4-6+ kids in those families, and the randomly distrubuted Gay Kid among plenty of them. Distribution is so random, the father of a gay child can grow up to be Vice President.

8) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.

9) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

Well, yeah, everybody knows that a two-parent stay-at-home-mommy household ALWAYS raises the best kids - look at the Bush Clan!

10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans...

Oh, you silly things, when nobody can afford gas, cars will be irrelevant. The service-sector economy will be redefined to cover anything up to CEO. And longer life spans? Why do you think we don't want to have universal health insurance? All those People Not Like Us living longer? They are happy dying young, they were disadvantaged anyway....