The end of daily posting is upon us - tomorrow I'm back in the office full time, for the first time in months. I've popped in and out, worked half days, brought work home, and generally tried to juggle/keep a presence there, and my employer was extremely supportive and flexible through this nightmare, and i'll always be grateful. Now it's back to normal work days (I hardly remember what those feel like) and I need to see what sort of job I will have going forward. It's too much information to go into here, but my office was in what can charitably be called a "state of flux" during much of my husband's illness, though it has settled down now, and I'm torn between feeling extremely lucky to still have a job and feeling a bit anxious about what that job will be like, and wondering if it's what I will want to do/be suited to my background and skills. I just don't know, but I'll find out.
I feel like my future is one huge decision tree right now, as I try to piece together a life for myself out of the debris left after the Cancer War. Refinance the house and continue the remodeling we were doing "before," or sell it and move into something maintenance free? Change jobs, or stay put? I was on my way to grad school and a career change - literally, I was to start classes the following week - when my husband collapsed in June of '01. Right now I'm way too tired to even think about grad school, not to mention two years older, light years wiser, and without any backup financial support to cover a career change, so forget THAT plan. I'll go ahead and refinance the house, too - I'm not afraid of home maintenance, I know how to do it myself or hire somebody who won't rip me off to do it.
Career decisions get a lot more complicated too. The luxury of a husband's income and benefits as backup is now in the past - though I'd always been a working mom by choice when the kids were growing up, and I've been the primary breadwinner and provider of benefits for a couple of years now, so that's not too radical a change, it's still an adjustment to thinking of this solo salary/lack of security as a permanent state of being. In the past my husband and I had each other's backs - if we wanted to take a gamble and change jobs, we could decide based on the long-term career advancement and earnings potential, or the overall appeal of the job, rather than purely on the here-and-now economics of the decision. When he got laid off in the early 90s it was rough for a while but not disastrous, because I had a decent job. If I got into something that absolutely sucked, I could look for something better and not wonder how the kids would eat. Since then, I made a few changes which, in the long run, were highly beneficial and left me in a pretty good position today, and thank God for that. Now I'm a woman in my mid-40s on my own, and the chances to be flexible and take leaps of faith just tightened up a hell of a lot. But I'll adjust. I'm just really glad I have the ability to earn a decent living, and no young kids at home. I'd be terrified if I had to do this and raise young kids, too.
My insomnia was much better last night - I'd have slept through the night if my old cellphone didn't decide to announce its battery was dying at 2 a.m., and I was able to go back to sleep easily. I attribute this to the movies and knitting before bed, and a general "calming down" of my nervous system as time passes and I'm not on the battlefield anymore.
Only a woman could write this, and you guys out there are gonna roll your eyes, but even my hair is on the decision tree. Do I go for it and cut it really short again, or just take off a few inches? I'm thinking of going for it and cutting it all off, there's something symbolic about it somehow - I grew out my hair because long and plain hair was easier maintenance (after an incident - and I'm not making this up - I was in the stylist's chair and he had taken the first snips and my cellphone rang - it was the hospital, telling me my husband's bloodwork showed his chemistry was terrifyingly screwed up and they needed to admit him NOW! RIGHT NOW! GET HIM AND BRING HIM IN!) My stylist finished the fastest haircut in his career and I blew out of there with wet hair, and that was pretty much the end of trying to maintain a style that needed regular trims. It's been that kind of two years. But "my people" are divided about cutting my hair - and why do these things divide on gender lines? Female friends say I looked better with really short hair, male friends disagree. OTOH, the male friends aren't the ones sitting here wearing a sweaty raccoon cap - even with a ponytail, my hair feels really hot and sticky. Sorority Girl is my personal fashion muse and she votes for going short again - she had pulled out family pictures while she was home, and found some cute ones of my husband and me, when he was healthy and my hair was short. I think this hair is going to be gone on Saturday. Unless I chicken out.
And on the subject of haircuts - archaeology Grad Student Boy made his mother very proud - he cut off his long hair for his father's funeral. It went from this:
To this:
Note that in the before picture, the hair is wet. When dry it was a wildly curly mop. He looks SO much cuter now - I'd show you but I haven't consulted w/him about showing his face on my blog - but that hair just wasn't flattering IMHO. I bitched about it as only a mother can, for years, and I'm so glad that he finally decided to make the change. He donated the hair to an organization that makes wigs for cancer patients, which also made me very proud. Mine's not quite long enough to donate, I think - I may be a couple of inches short of the required 10-inch ponytail - but I'll ask on Saturday.
If you're still reading by now, you're probably thinking, "Oh, thank GOD she's not going to be posting every day anymore!" More knitting content and pictures to follow soon - white Sitcom Chic and red Sitcom Chic are moving right along, I promise.
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